Here’s what people in therapy tell me when I ask about a moment of anger. “I didn’t think anything. I just felt angry.” And I say, “Yes you did think something. You just weren’t aware of it. And thinking influences feeling. Anger is an intense emotion that leads people to yell, curse and say things they often regret. Behind that red-hot feeling is a “thinking” you who contributes to your emotional state.
Usually your thoughts go like this, “I’ll never…He’ll always…How dare she…My life is over…How could he…I can’t believe… I ought to…No one treats me like…The nerve of… Can you believe… He’d better… I won’t take…Angry thoughts often come when we demand things from people, e.g., he’d better not treat me this way. Well guess what? He just did. Thinking you didn’t deserve what happened doesn’t help you feel better.
We all get upset when things don’t go our way or people treat us poorly but thinking negative thoughts just gets us more wound up. Instead of demanding people behave “the right way,” try changing your thoughts. Say, “I wish I could control people but I can’t. I’m not going to let this get to me. It’s not the end of the world. It’s frustrating but I can handle it.” Acknowledge your disappointment but don’t rev yourself up with negative thoughts of revenge, injustice, hopelessness and drama.
